


On a Cold Winter Night

by notyourusualweeb



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:48:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23166493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notyourusualweeb/pseuds/notyourusualweeb
Summary: How do you get through five stages of grief?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Kudos: 92





	On a Cold Winter Night

**Author's Note:**

> Wanted to try something new. This idea came to me when I was watching the latest season, and now here I am. 
> 
> The timeline is more aligned with the current arc of the manga, but there may be a bit of inconsistency. I'm also a bit rusty with my writing, so I hope y'all still like it. hehehe.
> 
> *Italics are flashbacks

It started snowing. 

Kageyama was preparing dinner and waiting for Hinata's return from coaching the neighborhood kids. Living together for the past year was like a dream. After spending years living in different parts of the world, of scheduled video calls, and missed birthdays, Kageyama and Hinata's reunion made everything in his life complete. 

Like the final piece of a puzzle has finally found its rightful place. 

After setting down the plates on the kotatsu - two bowls of steaming tamago kake gohan, miso soup, and potato salad, Kageyama looked at the clock beside the frames housing the memories he and Hinata shared. 

The clock read 9:10. A bit later than the usual arrival of his long-time partner. 

Kageyama furrowed his brows. Hinata would have come home by 8. The gym wasn't that far from where they live. He wondered what’s taking the other male so long to get home. 

He went inside their room to retrieve his phone and check if Hinata left any messages about getting home late. 

To his surprise, there were almost 20 missed calls from different people - five from Sawamura, six from Yamaguchi, three from Sugawara (now going by Sawamura), four from Yachi, and two from an unknown number. 

Nothing from Hinata. 

He dialed Sawamura’s number, seeing as he was the one who called the most. 

“Hello?”

“Thank God. You finally answered,” came the strained voice of Daichi. 

“Sorry. I was --”

“Kageyama. You need to come down here to the hospital. Right now.”

His hand trembled, heart beating fast. There’s a painful twist in his stomach that he can’t explain, the kind of feeling he gets when he messes up a set. 

“Why? What’s wrong?”

A choked response came from Daichi, “It’s...it’s Hinata.”

* * *

_On a cold winter night, he got the call._

_On a cold winter night, his life changed._

_On a cold winter night, Kageyama lost his sun._

* * *

He didn’t cry. 

The pain didn’t register. Instead, in his heart was a gaping hole that left him void of any emotion. 

His old teammates consoled him. 

Yamaguchi and Yachi shed the tears he couldn’t release.

Tsukishima sat by him, offering silent support. 

Sawamura and Sugawara held him. 

Asahi gave him a shoulder to lean on.

Ukai and Takeda gave him comforting words. 

Everyone in the old Karasuno team gave their support. 

Because they all lost a teammate, a friend, a brother. 

* * *

_On a cold winter night, Hinata Shoyo left the gym he practiced at with some of the neighborhood kids._

_He bid goodbye to his apprentices, with never-ending energy and a cheerful smile that rivals the sun._

_He rode his bike like he usually does going home, navigating the dark highways of Miyagi and braving the chilly night._

_A blind spot, a speeding car, a late reaction._

_There was no slow motion, no “your entire life flashed before your eyes” moment._

_There was nothing but a crash and a limp body beside the road._

_Hinata Shoyo, 23 years old, pro-volleyball player, opposite hitter of the MSBY Black Jackals, never made it home to Kageyama Tobio that night._

* * *

The snow has melted and with it came the beauty and full bloom of spring. 

They said spring should be about new beginnings, but for Kageyama, all beginnings seemed to have stopped with Hinata’s passing. 

It’s been three months. 

Three months of coming home to an empty apartment. 

Three months of not crying. 

Kageyama functioned on autopilot. 

Wake up. Eat. Train. Sleep. Repeat. 

He remained a fierce player on court, showing everyone that no one can outmatch him when it comes to setting. 

That fierceness came with a cost. The “King” was back. 

Anger seemed to fuel him. He’d lash at the smallest thing - missed receives, spikes, and all. No one was spared over his anger and his frustrations when teammates couldn’t match the pace he was going. 

Kageyama would push and push and push until it was too much. Until no one can stand his nagging and lack of consideration for the entire team dynamics.

Hoshiumi was the first to break. 

“What kind of toss was that???” The second generation little giant roared at an impassive looking Kageyama. “That one was impossible to hit!!!”

“You were simply too slow. If you were focusing on the ball, you would have hit that without any problem. Hinata would have.”

A beat, then the whispers started. 

“Look, we know...it’s hard for you right now with Hinata being gone and ---”

Kageyama gave Hoshiumi a glare that would have made anyone cower in fear, “Shut the fuck up. You don’t know anything.”

There was a hush. It was the first time they heard their youngest teammate curse, much less direct it to Hoshiumi. Kageyama always maintained a high level of respect for everyone on his team. Even if they bicker, he was still respectful to everyone around him. 

Kageyama clenched his fists, his heart beating loudly and jaws tight. 

None of them knows how it feels. None of them knows how coming home to silence feels. None of them knows how it feels when you’ve been robbed of your sun. 

None of them knows how it was like being with Hinata. So how could they say that they know?

“I’m done,” was all Kageyama could say and stormed out of the gym. 

No one came after him. 

* * *

_“Hinata, boke!!!”_

_Hinata stopped halfway putting on his shoes, "What, Kageyama baka?"_

_"You're going out with just a light sweater? It might start snowing soon!" Kageyama said, arms crossed in front of his chest while standing in their small hallway._

_"Don't worry. I have another jacket packed in my duffel," the other grinned while pointing to his black bag next to his left foot._

_"Hmph. But do you want me to drive you? Are you going to take your bike?"_

_Hinata thought for a second or two, but smiled back and shook his head, "Nahhh. I got this. It's going to be a quick practice anyway."_

_Kageyama sighed, "Okay. But don't be out too long. The roads get slippery," he paused, "And I'll be making tamago kake gohan for dinner."_

_"WOOOHOOO! I'll run back here and you'll never notice I was gone!"_

_When Hinata said he'll come back, Kageyama didn't expect to see him with his heart not beating._

* * *

A few weeks following his outburst at practice, Kageyama did one thing he never thought he'd do in his entire life. 

He took a break from volleyball. 

His coach allowed it and his teammates thought it was also best for him. 

They'd still check up on him, sending him messages on LINE to know if he's eating right and taking care of himself. 

Sometimes, his old teammates would drop by - Yamaguchi with Yachi and Tsukishima in tow. They try not to reminisce too much when they're together. Sometimes they just share each other's company, sitting around his dining table and just letting the silence go on. Maybe they were all hoping Hinata would waltz back in and break the silence in their lives. Of course, that's simply impossible. 

It was one weekend when Kageyama decided to finally touch the things Hinata left behind in their home. 

At first, Kageyama didn't have the stomach to sort through Hinata's things and put them away in boxes. Because doing so would finalize everything, would make his death a reality instead of just a nightmare.

He took out some of Hinata's old uniforms and found his Karasuno jacket neatly folded at the bottom of their drawers. He picked it up and saw something bulging from one of its pockets. 

It was a small, velvet box. 

With shaking hands, Kageyama opened the box and found a silver band inside. 

Something within him cracked. 

Kageyama knew he'd spend the rest of his life with Hinata. He knew they'll always be together. Even if they were on the opposite sides of the world, he just knew they'll find their way back to each other. 

But that's not going to happen anymore. 

Kageyama clutched the ring close to his heart, eyes shut tight. He curled up into a ball on the floor, holding the small band tightly in his hands and trying to breathe because it just fucking hurts so much. 

The same thoughts kept repeating inside his head, further tearing his heart into two: 

_If only I drove him that night. If only I didn't let him go. If only I drove him that night. If only I didn't let him go._

* * *

_"He was so young, so full of life."_

_"He just started last year being pro."_

_"Such an unfortunate thing. The world's too cruel."_

_Kageyama tried to drown out the words circling in the Hinata household, eyes glued to the black and white photo of a smiling Hinata Shoyo._

_He kept pinching himself to wake him up from this nightmare, but no matter how many times he tried, the reality of not seeing Hinata's smile kept gnawing at his heart._

* * *

Three loud knocks came to his door one day. If it were any other day, if things were still the same, Kageyama would have thought the Apocalypse was coming when he saw who was standing outside his apartment. 

Oikawa Tooru, all tanned from his training in South America but still sporting that same, obnoxious smile, greeted him. 

Beside him was a silent Iwaizumi Hajime, wearing a button down shirt and faded dark jeans - not the usual gym clothes that he would have worn when he was coaching at Seijoh. 

"Yahooo~ Tobio-chan! It's been a while. May we come in?" 

Kageyama gave the two unexpected visitors a blank stare but stepped aside to let them pass. 

Upon entering, Iwaizumi let out a deep breath. "Wow." 

Kageyama's apartment looked like it was hit by a tornado. Cups of instant ramen littered the floor. Used clothes occupied every available space. Dishes were left unwashed in the sink. 

The only place that seemed to be spotless and perfect was the butsudan which housed Hinata's ashes and picture. 

"You kept dodging everyone's calls. But it looks like you haven't been busy," Oikawa said, trying to make some space in Kageyama's living room couch, while Iwaizumi made himself comfortable on the armrest and took Oikawa's hand. 

When Oikawa received no response, he let out a tired sigh. "Why have you been keeping yourself holed up in here and avoiding everyone?" 

Still no response. 

As much as Oikawa hated how Kageyama had surpassed him as a setter, he still can’t help but feel concerned at how his kouhai is currently doing. He could see how grief was slowly sapping the life out of the younger male. Oikawa couldn't imagine a life without hiw Iwa-chan. He may be a self-centered prick most of the time, but he didn't want anyone to suffer the experience of losing the love of your life. 

"What's the point? Of everything? Even if I practice, even if I toss to my teammates, no one can match it." 

A pause. 

"No one except Hinata." 

Kageyama's tone was resigned. It was like Oikawa was talking to a robot, a doll. 

"You're throwing away your dream just like that?!" 

"Oikawa, calm down." 

"I don't understand. I don't know how you feel. But I know, I know how much my world would crumble if Iwa-chan was the one gone," Oikawa felt Iwaizumi's grip tightened a little, as if reassuring him that he would still be here with him. 

"But...but I also know..he wouldn't want me to let my life go to waste. He would want me to live on...and be happy for the both of us." 

"It was my fault. It was my fault because I let him go that night." 

Oikawa stood up and grabbed Kageyama by the collar, his eyes fierce and his jaws tight.

"Are you hearing yourself? It's not your fault. It was an accident, Tobio!" 

At this point, Oikawa was sobbing. "Don't blame yourself over his death. Hinata wouldn't forgive you if you do." 

Oikawa's grip loosened, tears streaming down his face. "Grieve as long as you need..but, Tobio-chan, your life matters, too." 

* * *

_"Stupid."_

_"Bird brain."_

_"Grumpy."_

_"Slowpoke."_

_"Oni."_

_"Shrimp."_

_"I love you."_

_"I love you, too."_

* * *

It started snowing. 

The cold never bothered Kageyama. He always preferred winter over the sweltering heat of summer. He loved the cold because it gave him reasons to keep close to Hinata, cuddle with him under the sheets or keep their legs intertwined when sitting together under the kotatsu. 

Kageyama had always loved the cold, but not now when it amplified the thought of braving it alone. 

Before sunset, Kageyama went out for his usual stroll. It was his psychiatrist’s advice - walk around the neighborhood if he feels too confined inside his apartment. A change in scenery to keep his thoughts from swallowing him whole. 

He took the usual route, but today, his feet seemed to have a mind of their own. 

It was a year ago when he trekked this path. Unfamiliar and yet still a painful reminder of what he didn’t have. 

The rows of gravestones were a reminder of people who’ve left but never forgotten. The same way Hinata was for everyone in his life. 

Kageyama stopped in front of a simple gravestone under an old sakura tree. Spring would have made this a beautiful spot - lively and breathtaking just like Hinata. For now, Kageyama would settle for the gray, blossomless surrounding. 

“Hi.” No response but the soft blowing of the wind and snow. 

Kageyama huffed and put his hands in his pocket to protect them from the cold. 

“I know I haven’t visited. Sorry.” 

Silence. 

“I hope you realize how difficult you made my life, boke. Do you know how hard it is to wake up without you beside me? How quiet our home has been since you left? How no one can match the quick sets I do?” 

“You were my sunshine, the love of my life, my everyday. I’ve always asked myself how I can get through the day without you. It’s been so hard, Shoyo. You leaving made my world crumble,” Kageyama sniffed, hands balled tightly in his pockets. “But I can’t..I don’t blame you.”

“I wanted to follow you. So badly. Because a world without you is like living without the sun..lifeless and dark.”

Kageyama chuckled, “But you wouldn’t want that, right? You would have wanted me to move on with my life. You would have wanted me to keep pursuing my dream.” He smiled sadly, “You would have done the same.”

Kageyama reached inside his sweater and pulled out a simple chain with a ring hanging around his neck. “You didn’t need to ask if I wanted to be yours. My eternity is tied to you.” 

“We may be apart now...But knowing you, you’re probably bored out of your mind waiting for me there on the other side. So all I ask….can you wait for me a bit more?”

Kageyama tightened his hold on the ring, “I’ll fulfill both our dreams and make the most of this life until we can finally be together...so please, wait for me there.”

There was no response, no bright affirmation from Hinata - just silence and the snow falling. For Kageyama, that’s enough. 

Because in his mind, Hinata Shoyo is smiling warmly and saying, “I’ll always wait for you, Kageyama.” 

On a cold winter night, Kageyama Tobio finally let his tears fall. 

  
  
  
  



End file.
